I was originally going to call this post “Whoops, you’re a bigot!” but I think a gentler approach would be more effective. The people I’m talking about here don’t seem to have bad intentions; they’re just ignorant, and ignorance can be cured. It’s really okay to not know something.
I’m not discounting the argument that intentions matter less than the results of people’s actions; I totally get that. What I want to do with this post, though, is reach the well-intentioned accidental bigots. If you want to read about why it isn’t the job of the people being affected by bigotry to educate people about these issues, read Annalee’s amazing Tweet thread on this topic. I am 100% in agreement with them. This, however, is a case in which I am choosing to educate.
Accidental bigotry #1: “Love the sinner, hate the sin”
I recently wrote for the June Pride issue of Tumbleweird:
You can’t love someone despite who they are; you love them because of who they are!
A well-meaning woman I know told me that she still loves her cousin (who came out recently) even though she doesn’t “agree with her lifestyle choices.” I’m here to tell you that denying someone’s truth is not love. Calling someone’s reality a “lifestyle choice” horribly diminishes their struggles and experiences.
If you have a loved one that comes out to you, please just tell them you love them… and don’t add the word “anyway.”
When you take a “love the sinner hate the sin” approach to someone’s queerness, you automatically set yourself in opposition to them. Think about it this way: a friend of yours comes up to you and says, “I’m gay. I’ve always felt this way, and now I’m finally coming to terms with it and letting people know.” If your reaction is anything besides love and acceptance, not only are you letting that person know that they were wrong to trust you, you are also delegitimizing their entire life.
When you treat someone’s entire reality as if it is a “choice” they are making, you are, in essence, calling them a liar. You are calling their reality a lie. You are somehow stuck on the notion that you know more about their life than they do.
Accidental bigotry #2: Misgendering
When it comes to misgendering, there are plenty of people who do it purposely. For the purposes of this post, I’m only talking about those who misgender with no malicious intent.
If you are a cis man and you want to understand what it’s like to be trans, don’t imagine what it would feel like to be a woman. Imagine instead that you are yourself. You are a man. And your entire life, everyone you meet tells you that you are a woman, calls you “she” and “her,” and tells you that your assertions that you are a man are wrong, or sick, or imaginary.
Think of how relieved you would feel when someone finally recognized you as a man—called you “sir,” called you “mister.”
Now, try to understand why people should be called by the names and pronouns they choose, not the ones assigned to them by doctors or parents. If you don’t know the proper pronouns to use, look at their social media profiles or ask them. Be respectful. Be courteous.
Accidental bigotry #3: Microaggressions
Kay Bolden wrote a wonderful essay on microaggressions and micro-assaults called “I Love Your Complexion! And other micro-assaults on Black women” in which she outlines several pitfalls that (somewhat) well-meaning white people can fall into.
Reading this essay, the term “back-handed compliment” came to mind for me. There are many ways in which we (I mean white people) subtly and not so subtly insult people of color without seeming to notice. Kay says that a microaggression is “an insult that sounds like a compliment on the surface, but has as its baseline premise the idea that ‘whiteness’ is not only the norm, but the standard to strive for.”
A couple of examples Kay gives are telling a black person they are articulate (thus signaling your surprise and showing that you don’t think they are as intelligent as white people), and a white person saying they “don’t see color” (thereby rejecting the legitimacy of the racial experiences of people of color).
I strongly suggest that you read Kay Bolden’s essay if you are a white person. I’ll quote from the final paragraphs:
For many white people, being accused of racism is an affront to their view of themselves as fair, liberal, and spiritual individuals. It’s shocking to be told they have biases, and that their biases have harmed people of color. Sometimes engaging with them morphs into yet another defense of white fragility.
The beneficiaries of racism spend more time centering how they feel and how uncomfortable the conversation makes them — instead how much damage has been done to people of color, and how to stop it.
To wrap up, there are obviously more than three ways to be an accidental bigot, but these are the three I see every day. As a white, cis woman, I have made mistakes and will definitely make more in the future.
I was recently at a show with a group of people and I wrongly assumed the gender of one of the folks I only knew tangentially. I kept calling him “her” until someone kindly corrected me. All I could do was apologize and try to be more mindful moving forward. I have also made the mistake of asking friends of mine to do emotional labor for me; I have asked them to educate me about things I should have worked harder to figure out for myself.
As I get older (I’m almost 40, y’all), I find that many of the terms and manners of speech that I was taught were acceptable no longer are (like person-first language, for example). There is no “woke!” I have to continuously learn and change myself, and I’m still going to screw up no matter how hard I try to do the right things.
But I’m learning. You be, too! Google stuff. Seriously. Do it often, and read everything. Read stuff from people that aren’t like you.
PFLAG has a ton of resources on LGBTQIA+ issues. Medium has a lot of great articles about race. The National Center for Transgender Equality has a lot of info about trans and non-binary people.