When your body hurts all the time, it’s remarkably difficult to love yourself.
You want to push back against the pain… fight it. Reject it.
I recently read a short story by Stephen King called “The Little Green God of Agony.” The story was converted into a web comic in 24 installments by Dennis Calero, if you want to read it. It is very well done, in my opinion.
In this story, a man’s chronic pain is caused by a demon that has infested his body. For years, I thought of my pain this way… not in so many words, but in essence. I treated my pain like a foreign thing that had infested my body. I fought it, and in fighting it, I distanced myself more and more from my own physical self. My body was essentially my enemy—causing me pain that I had to cope with constantly.
I treated my pain like a foreign thing that had infested my body.
When I was preparing for my first brain surgery over a year ago, I knew I needed to do something different. I had tried meditating a few times and never found it very helpful, but I decided to give it another shot. I downloaded an app called Headspace and went through the “pain pack.”
Using the app, I learned to stop fighting my pain. Instead, I settled down with it. I sat with my pain and let it be. It reminded me of holding onto my frantic puppy, Lila, when she’s scared… usually due to fireworks or thunder. I needed to be calm and supportive of myself the way I am for Lila when she gets scared; I needed to love myself unconditionally.
Just being there, calmly sitting with myself through the pain, taught me to start loving my body again. My depression and anxiety—which I had learned were closely associated with physical pain—lessened as a result of this change in tactics. I became an advocate of myself instead of treating my body like an enemy.
I’m still working on this issue. At times, I find myself fighting the pain, or treating myself or my body with scorn. It hurts! But love is stronger than hate, and pain, and scorn.
I will love myself better. I will love myself.
I will keep loving myself.